The Nosgoth News: INVASION!
by Nocturnallydamned
Summary: A crowd of reviewers head off to Nosgoth for the long-awaited invasion. Chapter 5 up - NOSGOTH SURVIVAL 101 for everyone who needed it.
1. The Red Raven Bar

Disclaimer: I own nothing.  Actually, that's not strictly true, but in terms of Legacy of Kain stuff, none of it is mine.  Isca is, though (even though he's not in this fic. . .) : P

Author's Note:

This is just a short, silly one-off as a bizarre sort of thankyou to everyone who reviewed 'Nosgoth's Salvation'.  Besides, I said we were going, and I don't go back on my word (with the notable exception of New Year's Resolutions regarding abstinence from chocolate…) 

If you're not mentioned personally, I'm really sorry, but you are there if you think you are (that's quite enough pseudo-existentialism for now. . . ) 

In case anyone is wondering, the story is set sometime before Kain drop-kicked Raziel off the edge of the Abyss, with liberties taken on other temporal, spatial and technological facts . . .

**Invasion!**

Day 1:

_Lilith__: The scene is Meridian, capital city of the Sarafan Empire, jewel in the crown of the Sarafan Lord, proud town of progress and crux of civilization . . ._

_MikotoTribal_**: Are we there yet?**

_Lilith__: Don't interrupt - I'm doing my evil dictation.  Anyway, as I was saying, this is Meridian, epitome of . . ._

_Shadowrayne_**: We can all see that – look, there's the Red Raven tavern.**

_Deionarra_: Yeah – duh!  

_Lilith__: *taps foot on floor, wishing for a trapdoor lever*_

_Vladimir__'s Angel: So, what's the plan?_

_Lilith_**: We head for the pub.**

_Deionarra__: What for?_

_Lilith__: Because we need a base of operations – and all this world-hopping is thirsty work   Besides, according to the 'Meridian Good Bar Guide', "You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. . ."_

_Vladimir__'s Angel: Heh, sounds like a place I used to work._

Later . . .

_Nosgoth__ Newsreader**: We're live at the scene of the invasion, where a large number of women in rather revealing, tight-fitting, black leather catsuits have just descended on the Red Raven Bar and Grill.  Several Sarafan knights have already been ejected from the premises, and there are some very strange sounds coming from inside . . . **_

*strains of Evanescence's "Bring me to life" can be heard in the distance*

_Arch Enemy/Ebony_:  *Comes pelting out of the bar and skids to a halt in front of the Newsreader*  

Hey you!  Which way to the Sanctuary of the Clans?

_Nosgoth__ Newsreader: Er . . . that way.  Hold on – I don't suppose you'd like to give a statement for the press?_

_Arch Enemy/Ebony:  _Yeah, *leers at the camera*  Tell Kain I'm coming!

**Day 2:**

_Nosgoth__ Newsreader:  The Invaders have still not emerged from the bar, although we did manage to get a statement late last night when one of them came out to . . . 'water the flowers':_

In a quote from 'Vladimir's Angel', nominated spokesperson, the Terran forces are armed with K.U.M.D.s* (both manual and automatic), and plan to bring Meridian to its knees with a combination of chopped dairy produce and offensive smoothies.

For the moment, the door to the bar is remaining shut, and no-one seems to be going in or coming out.  The Sarafan Lord has been sent for, but official sources say it may be a while before he arrives, as he is holidaying in Dark Eden and is currently out of mobile range.

_*KUMDs - Kitchen Utensils of Mass Destruction_

*

**Day 3**

_Nosgoth__ Newsreader: Three days into the conquest and the Terran army is not doing so well.  According to official sources, the Invaders' automatic KUMDs are not compatible with Glyph power points, so the ladies are having to resort to their manual . . . ahem . . . weapons.  Except for one, who has declared a personal vendetta on Meridian's aquatic bird population, and has taken to threatening the town guard with her collection of extracted duck tongues._

Meanwhile, inside the bar . . .

_Deionarra__: I _told_ you the Moulinex was a bad idea.  We should have stuck with the cheese graters – they worked alright on Moebius. *evil grin*_

_Lilith_**: Ok, clever-clogs.  Any more of your cheek and I'm raising the minimum age limit on this army. **

_Deionarra__: Aww . . . is someone in a bad mood 'cos they forgot their anti-wrinkle cream?_

*Benny Hill theme music plays as a comic pursuit ensues around the streets of Meridian, Deionarra in front, Lilith behind (brandishing a **deluxe combination mixer-blender) and an assortment of terrified mallard waddling at the rear***

*

_Nosgoth__ Newsreader: And this just in – it seems that the Invaders have one more weapon in their arsenal: they all appear to be carrying miniature effigies of Emperor Kain (with brushable hair). Although the purpose of these particular weapons is anyone's guess at the moment, they appear to need a lot of grooming . . ._

*The air suddenly erupts with sounds of clashing weapons, grunts and battle-cries *

_Nosgoth__ Newsreader: *running into the town square* _

Follow me, viewers - it looks like some of the Vampire clans have begun an invasion of their own! Let's see if we can get an insider perspective on this.  Excuse me, you there! Yeah you in the cloak!

_Raziel__: *turns, sees the camera and at once puts on a charming smile* Yes?_

_Nosgoth__ Newsreader: Is your choice of timing anything to do with the Terran Invasion?_

_Raziel__: *turns side profile to the camera and winks*   Eh?_

_Nosgoth__ Newsreader: Hello?  I'm over here.  _

_Raziel__: Hmm? Oh, so you are.  What invasion?_

_Nosgoth__ Newsreader: *indicates the Red Raven pub, which has in the last three days become home to the Terran Forces.  The outside is covered with banners with slogans such as 'The Sarafan Stink', and 'Vampires Suck', and 'Free Beer to Anyone Who Can Point the Way to the Nearest Warp Gate'.  Upstairs on the balcony, someone has made a makeshift drumkit from stolen Sarafan helmets, and the neighbours have already started to move out*_

_Nosgoth__ Newsreader: Haven't you been watching the news?_

_Raziel_: Nah.  Kain revoked all our TV-watching privileges until we conquer the Sarafan.

_Nosgoth__ Newsreader:  It's 'The Invasion of the Black Leather-Clad Women from Earth!'  I coined that phrase, by the way._

_Raziel__: Really? Women? In black leather?  *glances at the battle and decides _not _to tell the rest of his army*  _

Well, *straightens trousers and smooths hair* I think I'd better go and investigate.  

*Saunters off towards the bar*

*

**Day 3 ½**

_Nosgoth__ Newsreader: We're here in the Red Raven pub, where Lieutenant Raziel has just turned up to . . . er . . . negotiate a peace treaty?  Actually, this reporter is not completely sure what he's doing – judge for yourselves, viewers. *camera pans around to show the interior of the pub, where Raziel is sitting in a comfy chair in the middle of a large circle of women with a cheesy grin on his face, halfway through suggesting something that sounds suspiciously like "custard wrestling"*_

_MikotoTribal_: OK, show's over – out you go.

_Nosgoth__ Newsreader: But . . . but we need to capture this for posterity._

*skids to a halt on his butt outside the pub, covered in duck feathers*

Meanwhile, back inside

_Lilith__: So, you agree to our terms?  _

_Raziel__: *trying very hard not to look like a used camel salesman who's just been offered $500 for a three-legged deadbeat one day away from the glue factory*_

So let me get this straight: you all agree to the Custard Wrestling Tournament as long as I sign this?

*General murmurs of assent from all present*

_Raziel__: I s'pose I'd better read it first . . .*reads contract aloud*  'I, Raziel, Lord of . . . _blah blah_ . . . bearer of . . . _blah blah_ . . . possessor of  -' hold on, what's a trouser bugle?_

_Shadowrayne__:  Dammit!  Knew I should've used the spell-checker . . ._

_Raziel_: *smug grin* '. . .hereby declare that if I ever grow wings, I will not under any circumstances show them to Kain . . .' *pauses as everyone in the room nods emphatically* '. . . Not even for the purposes of gloating, i.e. "Take a look at these you gherkin-skinned ponce, I evolved before you did . . . nerdy nerdy ner ner."'  

*shrugs in bemusement and makes a writing motion with his claw*

_Kittie__: (who for some inexplicable reason has brought her college work to Nosgoth with her) *hands him a biro*_

_Raziel__: *signs agreement with a flourish, sits back and rubs his claws together in anticipation.*_

Bring on the custard!


	2. Custard

Author's Note

I wasn't going to add to this fic, but a little hint from a review gave me an idea. You have Deionarra to 'thank' for this . . .

*

[One of the most unpleasant properties of custard is that unless kept at a steady 45 degrees Celsius, it tends to congeal quite quickly into a most disagreeable, gelatinous sludge. Nosgoth custard is apparently no exception to this rule, as can plainly be seen from the 27 litres of bright yellow pudding currently being stirred in a blow-up paddling pool on the floor of the Red Raven bar. 

This could get messy.]

*

_Nosgoth__ Newsreader (still sporting an attractive duck-feather suit)_: We're live outside the Red Raven pub, about to bring you the 'First Annual Nosgoth Custard Wrestling Tournament'. 

*camera shows a rather shadowy view of the proceedings through a murky window-pane*

_Nosgoth__ Newsreader_: Contenders have gathered around and are awaiting their turns, ready to unnerve opponents with spitballs, verbal abuse and assorted dessert toppings. The rest of them are grating cheese. No, viewers, that's not an euphemism, they really are grating cheese. One of the Terrans has apparently created a new recipe consisting of wildfowl and marscapone which she is thinking of calling 'Nosgothic Duck' or 'Duck a l'Abyss'. It is being served up in large quantities as the contestants get ready for the Tournament.

[Meanwhile, inside. . .]

_Deionarra_: *confused* What's the point in this?

_Lilith__:_ What's the point in what?

_Deionarra__:_ This Tournament. I mean, aside from his personal amusement . . . *points at Raziel, who is grinning from fang to fang and – inexplicably – has a large number of Kain dolls covering his lap* Why are we doing this?

_Lilith__:_ *jerks a thumb towards Deionarra* What's up with grouchy?

_MikotoTribal__:_ *winks* I think she just needs changing – hang on, I'll get the baby powder.

_Deionarra__:_ Now wait just one darn minute . . .*dodges out of Mikoto's way a fraction of a second too late, and ends up covered in a light frosting of talc* . . . All I want to know is what **we** get out of it.

_Vladimir__'s Angel:_ Haven't you been paying attention? We get down with the custard, and Raz doesn't get chucked into that overgrown washing machine. *sniffles* Poor Raz.

_Shadowrayne__:_ *clumps past, wearing platform boots, a long trenchcoat and a fake beard, along with a badge proclaiming 'Life Begins at 50'* 

_Lilith__:_ *watches Shadowrayne suspiciously*

_Deionarra_: Well? Shouldn't the winner get a prize or something?

_Vladimir__'s Angel_: *head on one side and a dreamy expression on her face* Do you think we can get him to stand up and face the wall?

Deionarra: *snickers* Yeah, that'd do. Waitasec – I've got a better idea. *glances slyly at Raziel*

_Raziel__:_ *Looks slightly nervous, wondering what's going through the Invader's twisted mind (he's heard the rumours too)*

_Deionarra__:_ Winner takes on Raziel in the custard.

_Raziel_: Hold on - I never agreed to that!

_Lilith__:_ *sighs* OK, put the custard away.

_Raziel__:_ Aww, _bloodclots_! *drums claws on chair* Alright, I'll do it. 

_MikotoTribal__:_ *winks slyly at crowd* Anyone would think he didn't like girls. . .

_Raziel_: *pouting* I just didn't want to get custard on my new leathers. 

_Vladimir__'s Angel:_ *grins impishly* There's an easy solution to that, hon.

_Silmuen__:_ *wanders in, 'accidentally' shutting the door in the Nosgoth Newsreader's face*. Sorry I'm late – I've been selling counterfeit Reavers on the Sunday market.

_Lilith__:_ Did you bring any with you?

_Silmuen_: Er, no - just mine . . . I thought you already had weapons.

_Lilith__:_ *looks at current arsenal of Moulinex blenders, cheese graters and Kain dolls* 

I s'pose we _could _have brought the Reavers . . . 

*

_Nosgoth__ Newsreader_: *bangs on door of Red Raven pub*

_MikotoTribal_; *opens door, a necklace of silvered duck tongues around her neck* 

I told you once already . . . *brandishes cheese grater menacingly*

_Nosgoth__ Newsreader: _How about if I leave the camera outside? Then I can just document the proceedings for the Meridian Missive.

_MikotoTribal__:_ *fiddles with her Kain doll's hair* I dunno . . .

In the background, behind the Nosgoth Newsreader, Kain appears.

_Kain_: *runs full-pelt past the bar* aaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaargh!

_MikotoTribal__:_ *pokes her head out for a better view* What's up with him? 

_ArchEnemy__/Ebony_: *races after the fleeing Vampire, grinning like a demon* Wait up! This won't hurt . . . much.

_Kain__:_ (in the distance) Someone help me! The woman's insane!

_ArchEnemy__/Ebony_: (in the distance) Mwahahaha! You can run, but you can't hide . . .

_Nosgoth__ Newsreader:_ So, can I come in?

MikotoTribal: Well . . . OK, but no cameras.

_Nosgoth__ Newsreader:_ Done. 

*strolls into bar wearing a large Stetson with a hole in the front. It appears to be making some strange whirring noises*

_Nosgoth__ Newsreader: _And so it begins. The contestants are lined up and ready, the custard is at the perfect temperature, and round one is about to start.

_Lilith__:_ Aren't you supposed to be writing this down as opposed to commentating?

_Nosgoth__ Newsreader: _Er . . . yeah. 

*gropes in his coat for a notepad and pen. The Stetson continues to whir and click*

_Nosgoth__ Newsreader: _I just thought it might add a touch of professionalism to the proceedings.

[A particularly energetic bout of wrestling ensues, splattering contestants and observers alike in mounds of yellow gloop. The contest continues apace, keeping to the 'winner-stays-on' rule until Number Nine meets Number Eleven.]

_Nosgoth__ Newsreader:_ Well this is a turn-up for the books, viewers – er, I mean - friends.  I am reliably informed that a state of intense rivalry has held sway between these two contenders ever since Number Eleven inflicted several serious spork missile wounds on Number Nine.  This should be a good match – oh! Contestant Number Nine seems to be trying to subdue her opponent with a disposable diaper – but no! Contestant Eleven has retaliated with Number Nine's walking stick, which she seems to be attempting to use as some sort of plunger! 

_Raziel__:_ *rolling around in his chair* I would've _killed_ to see this!

*Front door bangs open and a very flustered-looking Kain rushes in, slamming the door shut behind him and panting. Everyone turns to look at him*

_Kain_: You **have** to give me sanctuary - you don't understand – the woman's _deranged!_

*takes in the scene before him in a single glance: there's a vat full of custard containing two struggling yellow figures - who are far too engrossed in the match to notice something so trivial as the arrival of the Master Vampire; there's a nervous-looking man in an outsized comedy hat with a life of its own; in the far corner sits his firstborn, with a lapful of figures that look suspiciously like himself several hundred years ago; the rest of the pub is full of women wearing the same kind of outfit as the one he has just escaped*

_Kain_: Nooooo! They're everywhere! Get out, Raziel, save yourself. You don't know what these women are capable of!

*everyone exchanges puzzled glances*

_Raziel_: They're capable of custard wrestling . . .

_Kain__:_ Fool! They're only after one thing!

_Raziel_: *Looks unfazed*

_ArchEnemy__/Ebony:_ (from outside). He-e-ere Kainy Kainy Kainy . . .

_Kain__:_ *looks pleadingly at all present*

_Lilith__:_ Oh alright, we'll hide you. Get in the custard.

_Kain__:_ *swan dives into the pool, covering walls, windows and contestants with an inch-thick layer of Lo-Cost's own brand custard*

_Kittie__:_ *Moves her books out of range of further custard assaults and carries on working*

_ArchEnemy__/Ebony:_ *pokes head around the door* Seen Kain anywhere?

_Kain_: *comes up for air* 

_Mikoto__ and Deionarra:_ *plunge his head back under again, smiling innocently at ArchEnemy/Ebony*

_MikotoTribal_: Nope. Shall we tell him you're looking for him?

*the custard bubbles indignantly*

_ArchEnemy__/Ebony: _Yup. I'll go wait for him in the Sanctuary. *wanders out, then peeps back in*

_Mikoto__ and Deionarra:_ *plunge Kain's head back under again*

_ArchEnemy__/Ebony:_ Hey - Kain screams like a girlie. *winks and departs*

[The pub is silent. Custard drips from every surface. Eventually, a cloven foot breaks the thick meniscus on the paddling pool.]

_Mikoto__ and Deionarra:_ *allow Kain to surface*

_Kain__:_ *splutters a bit then licks his lips, looking more like a banana than a gherkin for a change*

_Kain__:_ This custard tastes like baby powder. . .

*looks up to see Vladimir's Angel and Lilith grinning maliciously at him*

_Kain__:_ What?

_Vladimir__'s Angel:_ You thinking what I'm thinking?

_Lilith__: _I'm thinking if _someone doesn't want us to tell _someone else _where he is, he'd better agree to our terms._

_Shadowrayne__:_ *hands over a contract* I spell-checked it this time.

_Raziel__:_ *chuckles* So no bugles for Kain? 

_Vladimir's Angel:_ Hmmm . . . *raises an eyebrow at Kain, who has settled himself in the paddling pool between Mikoto and Deionarra and is looking much happier since he is apparently not in any immediate danger from loony women with a taste for the undead*

_Lilith__: _Righty-o, then, Mr Kain. If you'll just sign this, we can carry on with the Tournament.

_Nosgoth__ Newsreader_: Hold on, I've run out of film . . .

*everyone in the pub turns and scowls at him*

_Nosgoth__ Newsreader_: I mean . . . er . . . paper.

_Silmuen__:_ *takes aim, swings and bats newsreader out the door with her counterfeit Reaver*

_Nosgoth__ Newsreader: _(soaring over Meridian) I can see my house from here!

[Back inside. . .]

_Vladimir__'s Angel: _*hands Kain the contract and a biro*

_Kain__:_ (whose attention is elsewhere) *signs agreement without reading it, completely oblivious to the fact that not only has he given Raziel permission to grow wings with impunity, but he has also just signed over the Sanctuary of the Clans to the Terran Invaders*

_Lilith__: _(smug) Thanks very much. Now if you'll kindly vacate the arena.

_Kain__:_ Arena? Oh. You mean the paddling pool. *leans back with his hands behind his head, grinning, stretching his legs out and splashing custard over spectators* 

Surely I won't be in the way if I stay here?

_Shadowrayne_: Shall I tell ArchEnemy/Ebony it's OK to come in now?

_Kain__: _Argh!

*leaps to his feet, scattering globs of custard in a 20ft diameter circle, and bolts out the back door*

_Kain__:_ (from a distance) £$^%&* Terran women!

_Deionarra__:_ Aww. *pouts* Would've been fun to have an obstacle in the pool. 

_MikotoTribal__: _I'll show you an _obstacle, _you inflictor of spork scars, you! 

[the custard begins to fly . . .]


	3. Beer and Barmen

[The scene is the Red Raven Bar & Grill, seen here from the outside.  The bar is silent for the first time in many days.  Torn banners flutter limply in the early morning breeze, and a stray Sarafan helmet rolls across the street like a tumbleweed.

The door opens and a line of women in yellow and black troop out, looking very much like a swarm of hungover bumblebees.]

_Silmuen_: *wanders out shaking Reaver violently in an attempt to dislodge some of the yellow gloop* Why won't this come off?

_Vladimir__'s Angel: I **told you it wasn't custard.**_

_Lilith__: How was I to know Lo-cost use the same containers for their emulsion?_

_Vladimir__'s Angel: *hands over spare pair of glasses* Next time, check the label._

_Shadowrayne__: **Emulsion?**! Hold on – are you telling me this is PERMANENT?_

_Lilith_: *glances about shiftily*  Er . . .no . . .

_Shadowrayne__: So I can wash it off?_

_Lilith_: Er . . .yeah … As long as you use turpentine

_Shadowrayne__:  GRRRRRRRR!  *swipes at Lilith with a rotary whisk*_

Lilith: *ducks and hides behind a handy dead Sarafan*

_Vladimir__'s Angel: So what are we going to do about the bar?_

_Lilith_: Kain covered the walls in canary yellow when he dived into the pool, and I don't fancy repainting it.  I think we should move on – yellow is a most unsuitable colour for an evil dictator's den.  Hold on *looks around*  we're missing some people.  Where's Raziel?

_Vladimir__'s Angel: I left him in the paddling pool.  He got all annoyed when Deionarra won and he doesn't want to play any more.  Oh, and we're missing a Mikoto too._

_Lilith__: I think Mikoto's missing her sanity – she's probably off with her troupe of Raziels, causing irreparable damage to the multiverse. _

_Shadowrayne__: Yay! Go Mikoto!  *notices everyone staring at her*  Heh.  Sorry.  So, do we have a plan?_

_Vladimir__'s Angel: *chuckles* Yep.  *produces contract from pocket*   We're moving our base of operations._

*

The Sanctuary of the Clans looms (all weaving materials available from Zephon's Spinning Warehouse) in the far distance, rising from the barren plain that surrounds it like some gigantic gothic zit.

_Shadowrayne_:  Are we nearly there yet?

_Lilith_: *puff* *pant* *wheeze*  Knew I shouldn't have started that second bottle of red last night.

_Vladimir__'s Angel: Still feeling the Malibu myself. *hic*_

_AmuseMe_: *jumps out from behind a cactus*  Boo!

_Black Leather-Wearing Women From Earth_: AAARGH!

_Lilith__: Whatchoo doing here?_

_AmuseMe_: Doing research for my next fic.  Why are you all covered in yellow paint?

_Black Leather-Wearing Women From Earth: *_glare at Lilith*

_Lilith__: Er . . . long story._

_Silmuen__: No it's not.  It's very simple: you mistook paint for custard in the store and now my lovely reaver is covered in it!  (to reaver)Aren't you, precious?_

_Lilith__: *looks sheepish*  Sorry . . ._

_Silmuen__: *folds arms* it's not good enough._

_Lilith_: Can I bribe you with beer?

_Black Leather-Wearing Women From Earth: _YES!

_Vladimir__'s Angel: *in an aside* Can I have a Malibu instead?  I don't like beer . . ._

_Lilith__: I think we need a pit-stop.  Where's the nearest bar?_

_AmuseMe__: Follow me!_

_Lilith__: Should've guessed **you'd know where the nearest watering hole was . . . **_

[The Black Leather-Wearing Women From Earth wander up to a tavern at a crossroads.  The sign on the door indicates that there is a dress code: No glowing armour, silly helmets or purple bikinis.  Impractical, revealing leather armour only.]

_Shadowrayne_: Do you think they'll let in human bananas?   

_Silmuen__: Precious looks like a banana, don't you, precious?_

_Vladimir__'s Angel: I think we should take that reaver off her . . ._

_Lilith__: *nods and starts making plans to separate Silmuen and Precious, then enters bar and starts listing the drinks order*  I'll have seven beers, a quadruple Jack Daniels, a pint of Malibu and a Death Star cocktail, please._

_Bartender: _(from under counter) Just a minute – I'm changing the barrels.

_Vladimir__'s Angel: Where the heck have you brought us, AmuseMe? *looks around at heavily cobwebbed ceiling, battered furniture and mounds of unwashed glasses suspiciously* _

[There's a head hanging over the fireplace that might once have been attached to a cross between a cockroach and a Beholder, blood on the windows and the chalk outline of a human body on the ceiling.  The Black Leather-Wearing Women From Earth shuffle about and try to decide whether it's safe to sit down.]

_AmuseMe_: Dunno.  Never been in here before . . .

_Shadowrayne__: *bangs fist on bar*  Oi!  Waiter!  We need some beer!_

_Lilith_: You're having a lemonade, missy.

_Shadowrayne__: *sulks* You're mean to me.  Anyway, they probably don't have lemonade on Nosgoth._

_Bartender_: *stands up, wiping claws on a dishcloth*  Right.  What can I get you?

[The room falls silent.  There's a thump as Silmuen goes to sit down and misses her stool.]

_Lilith__: Oh. _

[The bartender is Isca, wearing nothing but a pair of those high-waisted, low-cut leather trousers that seem to be all the rage on Nosgoth at the moment.]

_Isca__: *grins at room full of women, all apart from one of whom are covered from head to toe in yellow paint*  Fancy dress party, is it?  Hen night?  What are you supposed to be?_

[a glob of paint falls to the floor with an audible splat, and still no-one speaks.]

_Isca_: Hello?

_Vladimir's Angel_: (vacantly) Hel . . .lo

_Isca__: Ah.  They do speak._

_AmuseMe_: [as the only one not covered in yellow gloop] *saunters over to the bar, waggling her eyebrows*  Hel-**lo**

_Silmuen__: Precious says 'Hello,'_

_Shadowrayne__: What about the __beer?_

_Lilith__: *eyes Isca suspiciously*  you're not supposed to be here._

_Isca_: *starts pouring drinks*  What?  I'm not allowed to take a time-out from all your drama and torture to follow my true passion?

_Lilith_: Your true passion?

_Isca__: I always wanted to be a barman._

_Lilith__: *buries face in hands*_

_Vladimir__'s Angel: *settles herself on barstool moments before everyone else starts to crowd around the bar, suddenly very eager to get their drinks* _

_Isca__: Yeah.  It's a great way to eat people - I mean **meet people. *finishes pouring drinks*  Anything else? **_

_Lilith__: Nope.  How much is all this?_

_Vladimir__'s Angel: (whispering) I didn't bring any money._

_Lilith__: I've got . . . *rummages in pockets, then remembers she didn't put any pockets in her catsuit*  . . . a Moulinex blender! _

_Isca_: Sorry, I don't accept kitchen implements.

_Silmuen__: Precious has money, don't you?_

_Isca_: Sorry, I don't accept money either.

_AmuseMe_: *perches on the edge of the bar, peering over the top*  Hey!  You weren't changing a barrel – there's a body down there!

_Shadowrayne_: *points at the far end of the tavern*  Uh guys, I think we have company.

_Vladimir__'s Angel: Quick!  Get out the KUMDs!_

_Shadowrayne__: I can't!  Mine's painted to my catsuit!_

_Silmuen_:  Never fear – Precious is here! *advances on shadowy figures at the far end of the tavern, brandishing the Emulsion Reaver threateningly*

_Lilith__: (to Isca) Be nice._

_Isca__: *shakes head*_

_Lilith_: Be nice or you'll be in soooo much trouble in my next chapter.

_Isca__: *sighs*  Oh alright, you can have the drinks on the house._

_Lilith__: That's not what I meant. . . _

_Isca__: *grins* I know.  Thing is, my soldiers are hungry._

_Vladimir__'s Angel: Emulsion tastes horrid – believe me.  It's worse than liquorice!_

_Shadowrayne_: *wails* I'm too young to die!

_Lilith_: Dammit! Where's ArchEnemy/Ebony when you need her?  She'd scare the pants off these vamps in no time.  Oh well, we'll just have to make do without her.  Get your Kain dolls ready, everyone!

 * 

. . . And so the Black Leather-Wearing Women From Earth get ready for their first proper battle with Nosgoth's undead.  Will they survive?  Will the vamps choke on Lo-cost emulsion?  Or will they be repelled by the Terrans' vicious Kain dolls?  Tune in next time to find out.


	4. The KainSpangled Vampires

[The scene is the 'Nosgothshire Arms'.  Situated at a crossroads on the tracks between the Sanctuary of the Clans and the border of the Razielim Clan lands, it enjoys a steady trade from vampires and suicidal Sarafan alike.  Today there is a great deal of commotion coming from inside, as the Terran forces are about to confront some rather hungry vampires . . .]

_Silmuen_: *strikes a heroic pose* Back off or feel Precious' wrath!

_Vampire 1_: What are you going to do, paint us yellow?

_Silmuen__: Do not underestimate the power of the Emulsion Reaver!_

_Vampire 1_: *laughs uncontrollably*

_Vladimir__'s Angel: (whispers in an aside) I think she's caught Raziel's exclamation disease._

_AmuseMe_: That'll be the reaver.  Has that effect on people – turns them into proclaimers.

_Lilith_: Ok, everyone, I have a plan.  

_Shadowrayne_: Does it involve beer?

_Lilith__: *tuts*  No it doesn't. On the count of three, throw the Kain dolls at them and run.  One . . . _

[The Black Leather Wearing Women from Earth pull out their Kain dolls]

_Lilith_: two . . . 

_Vladimir__'s Angel: Hold on – mine's stuck in my cleavage!_

_Lilith__: three!_

_Silmuen__: *swings the Emulsion Reaver, scattering globs of yellow paint all over the vampires' armour*_

_The Black Leather Wearing Women from Earth_: *pelt the vampires with their mini-Kains*

_Lilith__: *bolts out the door and comes skidding to a halt about two hundred yards from the tavern.  Stops to take a breath and a look around, then realises no-one else has left the bar.  Stands about looking sheepish for a minute then heads back inside*   _

[The vampire ranks are looking decidedly embarrassed, as the Kain dolls have stuck to the globs of emulsion, and they now have Kain-spangled armour.  None of the Black Leather Wearing Women from Earth have left because they are too busy laughing at the blushing undead.]

_Shadowrayne__: Oh, don't they look cute with their little Kain decorations!_

_Isca_: Stop taking the Mickey out of my men – they have feelings, you know!

_Silmuen__: You were warned, spawn of Kain!_

_Isca__: Er actually, they're not . . ._

_Silmuen__: But you wouldn't listen – oh no.  Now perhaps you will think twice before messing with me and Precious!_

_Vladimir__'s Angel: We have **got to get that Emulsion Reaver off her.**_

_Lilith__: Never mind the $^£&* Emulsion Reaver – we had a plan - we were supposed to be running away!_

_AmuseMe__: (draped over the bar, flirting shamelessly) We don't have to go __just yet, do we?_

_Unknown Voice:_ Oh yes you do.

[All heads turn in the direction of the door, where a silhouetted figure is standing with hands on hips looking less than amused]

_Isca__: *Ducks down behind bar* (whispers) I'm not here._

_Freya__: *stomps over to the bar, clambers onto a bar stool and leans over* Come out of there, you sneaky little devil!_

_Isca__: *rises slowly to his feet looking decidedly guilty* Hello, dear . . ._

_Freya__: Don't you give me that!  I've been looking for you everywhere – I looked in 'Torment', I looked in 'Nosgoth's Salvation' - I even looked in 'Bloody Paradox' on the offchance, and where do I find you?_

_Isca_: *wrings dishcloth in his claws* Sorry, dear . . .

_Freya__:  In a BAR with a busload of foreign hussies!_

_Vladimir__'s Angel: Hey!  We're not hussies!_

_AmuseMe__: Yeah, I prefer the term 'tart' myself._

_Isca__: I just needed some 'me' time, y'know . . . _

_Freya__: *looks around the bar*  Some 'you' time, eh?_

_Isca__ *nods hopefully*_

_Freya__: With all your mates and a gaggle of fangirls?_

_Isca__: *nods again, less hopefully this time*_

_Freya__: Right.  *reaches over, grabs a pointed ear and hauls Isca over the bar*_

_Isca__: Ow!  Leggo my ear!_

_Freya_: *stomping out of the door with a struggling Isca in tow* Do you know what you left me to face alone at the end of Nosgoth's Salvation?

_Isca__: No, dear.  If I let you tell me, will you let go of my ear?_

_Freya__: (ignores him).  FLOWERS!_

_Isca__: You have my sympathy, dear._

_Freya_: And bunnies and hippies and pretty rainbows.

_Isca__: You're not going to let me forget this, are you?_

_Freya__: (fading into the distance) I __might let you make it up to me . . ._

*

[Back inside the tavern, the Black Leather Wearing Women from Earth look at the Kain-spangled vampires.

The Kain-spangled vampires look back.]

_AmuseMe_: So what now?

[The Kain-spangled vampires shrug.]

_Lilith_: Well, I think we'll just be on our way then.

_Vampire 1:_ *looks around shiftily*  Er . . .yeah.  We were just about to leave anyway.

_Vladimir__'s Angel: Well, it's alright then, isn't it?  We'll all just leave._

[No-one moves]

_Silmuen__: No! The Emulsion Reaver thirsts for vengeance!  I shall not retreat before these scu . . . _

_The Black Leather Wearing Women from Earth_: *pile on Silmuen, separate her from 'Precious' and drag her out of the bar*

* 

[The Black Leather Wearing Women from Earth shortly arrive at the Sanctuary of the Clans]

_AmuseMe_: You do it.

Shadowrayne: I can't reach the doorknocker – you do it!

_Vladimir__'s Angel: *tuts* I'll do it.  Who'd have thought people'd be squeamish about a wolf's head doorknocker?_

_AmuseMe__: Er . . . V.A. – hold on . . ._

_Vladimir__'s Angel: silly buggers . . . Ow! *looks up to see the doorknocker has attempted to bite her finger and backs off hurriedly*  OK, ok . . .someone else knock the door._

_Silmuen__: (sulkily) Precious could have done it._

[While the Black Leather Wearing Women from Earth argue, the Sanctuary doors open soundlessly.]

_Kain_: Don't bother, I can hear you all the way from the throne room anyway, you noisy bunch . . .  of  . . . women . . . in leather . . . covered in  . . . *slight pause as the Emperor's brain finally brings him up to speed with the identity of his visitors*  AAAAAAAAAAARGH!  THE CUSTARD WOMEN!   *attempts to slam door*

_Lilith__: *sticks her foot in the gap*  Actually, we're the Emulsion Women._

_Kain_: *trying to close the door* Read the sign – 'No salespeople'.

_Vladimir__'s Angel: We're not trying to sell you anything, silly!_

_Kain_: *looks hopeful* You're not?

_Lilith_: Nope.  We've just come so you can make good on your contract.

_Kain__: *definitely confused now*  Contract?  What contract?_

_Vladimir__'s Angel: This one.  Read it and weep, Kain, the Sanctuary of the Clans belongs to us!_

[The Black Leather Wearing Women from Earth cackle in unison, then barge past Kain to see what redecorating needs to be done before they move in.]

_Kain_: *stands outside reading the contract bemusedly*  I really must start reading things before I sign them . . .   


	5. Nosgoth Survival 101

Author's Note:  *points finger squarely at Vladimir's Angel*  It's her fault this chapter exists.  There's no denying it – I have witnesses! 

*

Time has turned on Nosgoth since last we looked in on the Black Leather-Wearing Women From Earth©™ (action figures and form-fitting catsuits with optional emulsion splatter detail available from Seedydeedee's Bargain Basement and Emporium - located behind Hire-A-Vamp inc, Gwynt Street, Aberwristwatch.  Free Car Parking!).  Battles have been fought, lives have been lost, romances have bloomed and faded (and that's just the latest episodes of Nosgoth-Enders!).  Anyway, tonight sees the latest recruits dining alongside the Fanfic veterans in the Sanctuary of the Clans.  Takeaway pizza is on the menu, and has been ever since a rather unfortunate Italian restaurateur stumbled through an inter-dimensional gateway while looking for a legendary sweet shop in Sussex.  The Black Leather-Wearing Women From Earth©™ have consequently eaten nothing but pizza in three months.

The chamber that used to be Kain's throne room is now the 'communal lounge-cum-dining/plotting world domination room', and boasts a number of large levers and red buttons with no obvious function, with labels such as 'FIRE!' and 'Only pull in case of Emergency', and 'Do Not Push, and 'EXECUTE!'. Most are buried under layers of empty takeaway boxes.  Tonight, various members of the Black Leather-Wearing Women From Earth©™ (hereafter referred to as the BLWWFEs - pronounced 'bloofies') are lounging around on throw rugs and bean bags.  The throne itself became a contentious issue almost immediately after moving in, and is now used primarily as a receptacle for empty pizza boxes sporting the local brand name: 'Rafael's International Pizza Delivery: Napoli-Nuneaton-Nosgoth.

Having ousted Emperor Kain from his rightful home, beaten the local Sarafan into submission with Kitchen Utensils of Mass Destruction, and cowed the various Lieutenants with their formidable custard-wrestling prowess, the BLWWFEs have taken to resting on their laurels somewhat: the atmosphere in the lounge tonight is one that could redefine the word 'chilled'.

**_Silmuen_**: Pass me some more of that … *waggles hand vaguely as she tries to remember the word …* Stuff!

**_AmuseMe_**: *stretches comically towards pizza box* Oof!  No, it's like – too far.  You'll have to wait until the maid comes and get her to pass you some.

**_Vladimir's Angel_**: *flicks sweetcorn at the throne* Y'know, I never thought I could get tired of pizza, but these last 34 slices or so just haven't excited me like they used to.

**_Shadowrayne_**: Me neither.  Then again, I never thought I could get tired of living on Nosgoth – but this place is getting really dull. God, what I wouldn't give for something to happen!

**_Random Reader_**: *buries head in hands* Oh, no! Why'd she have to go and say a silly thing like that?

Just then, the doorbell rings.  Actually, the doorbell howls, because it's the deluxe enchanted wolf's head version (available from Seedydeedee's Bargain Basement and Emporium for £4.99 – batteries not included).

**_MikotoZoku_**: I'll get it! *bounds to her feet and races for the front door*

**_Spectral Sereda_**: *shakes her head at Mikoto's boundless energy* I always did think that girl was one can short of a sixpack…

**_HealerAriel_****_:_** Did someone say sixpack?

**_MikotoZoku_**: *opens door* OH!  Hello! *stage-whispers loudly to the rest of the room* It's a GUY!

**_Dragonseer_**: Does he have pizza?

**_MikotoZoku_**: NO!

**_Various BLWWFEs_**: *exchange puzzled glances and start hauling themselves to their feet.  The floor creaks ominously.*

**_Silmuen_**: *jumps up and down trying to see past the crowd* Who is it?  What's he want?

**_Syvia_**: Never mind that!  Is he cute?

**_MikotoZoku_****_:_** *shushes everyone and puts on a helpful, customer-friendly smile* Can I help you?

**_Hooded Stranger:_** Why yes, I have some items discerning ladies like yourselves might be interested in.

**_Vladimir_****_'s Angel_**: Ooh! Ooh! Ask him if he's an Ann Summers rep!

**_Various BLWWFEs_**: *jump up and down excitedly trying to see what's going on* What's he got? What's he got? (there's quite an echo in the Sanctuary of the Clans…)

**_Hooded Stranger_**: *smiles and pulls out a variety of pastry treats, filled variously with cheese, corned beef, and chicken*  

A change from pizza!

**_Various BLWWFEs_**: *Awed chorus of 'OOOH's*

**_MikotoZoku_****_:_** (suddenly suspicious) Hold on!  How much are they?

**_Hooded Stranger_**: Well, normally they'd be quite expensive, but you see, I've just travelled all the way here from Smoke Stack County, and the Warp Gates are down again (engineering works, apparently), so I had to walk, and so I really could do with a place to stay tonight…

**_Dragonseer_****_:_** (helpfully) The Nosgothshire Arms is only a few miles that way.

**_Hooded Stranger_**: *leans against doorframe and flashes a brilliant, if slightly snaggle-toothed smile from within the confines of his hood*  Well I was hoping not to have to trek all the way back down there, and I notice your roof needs fixing – I'm quite handy with a hammer and saw… *flexes muscles*.  I could repair that for you in return for a night's bed and board…

The room is silent while the penny teeters on the edge of the abyss.  Tumbleweed blows across the Sanctuary forecourt.

**_Silmuen_****_:_** OH! He could stay here!

The penny launches itself off the cliff.

**_Penny_**:  Aieeeeeee!  I'm too young to die!

**_Vladimir_****_'s Angel_**: There's plenty of room – as long as you don't mind a few pizza crumbs in your bed …

**_Hooded Stranger_**: Oh, I usually manage to make my bed … comfortable. *a roguish smile glints again from inside the hood.  Several people in catsuits start melting*

**_MikotoZoku_**: Well, I spose it's OK then. *stands back to let him pass*

**_Hooded Stranger_**: *shifts uncomfortably and looks embarrassed* Aren't you going to ask me in?

**_Dragonseer_**: What for?

Certain BLWWFEs start to get suspicious, while the rest are too busy ogling to notice that the visitor is having trouble with the magical ward that now guards the entrance to the Sanctuary.

**_Hooded Stranger_**: Well, it's just that my mother - may she rest in peace - brought me up to be polite, and I like to know I'm welcome.  *tilts hood back slightly and smiles wistfully*  I guess I'm just an old-fashioned kind of guy at heart.

Various BLWWFEs are by now standing with their heads on one side, grinning vacantly at the stranger.

**_HealerAriel_****_:_** Oh, just let him in!

**_Seedydeedee_****_:_** *wanders in from the kitchen-cum-inexplicable vampire swimming pool (now filled with custard), carrying blueprints and plans for the Blue Box Toys takeover.

**_Random Reader_**: Hey – wasn't your name Lilith?

**_Random Reader2_**: AND Notcturnally_Damned!

**_Seedydeedee_**: I rationalised my nomenclatures.

**_Everyone:_** *stares blankly*

**_Seedydeedee_****_:_** *puts away Star Trek Dictionary of Technobabble* I had too many names!  Who's at the door?

**_Spectral Sereda_**: A pasty salesman.

**_Seedydeedee_**: Pale, is he?

**_Spectral Sereda_**: *giggles* Very!

**_Seedydeedee_****_:_** *makes her way to the door to find Mikoto half-way through saying 'come on in'*

**_Seedydeedee_****_:_** * closes door in Hooded Stranger's face, snatching pasty basket before the door shuts* Thanks!  Bye!

**_Genesis Idiocy_**: OI!  He had pastry treats!

**_Seedydeedee_****_:_** *waggles basket under her nose* Now WE have pastry treats! *stares around at crowd in disbelief* You were going to let him in, weren't you?

**_MikotoZoku_**: *starts edging towards her room*

**_Seedydeedee_**: You stay there, missie! You're supposed to be guarding the door! Right. Everyone into the lecture theatre.

**_Vladimir_****_'s Angel_**: The what now?  Do we even have one of those?

**_Seedydeedee_**: Well not exactly, but Kain's torture chamber is almost the same thing…

****************

The scene is Kain's old torture chamber, which has, since his forced departure, been sandblasted, fumigated and fitted out with a number of school desks; the main rack has been replaced with a blackboard, and the whips and chains with rulers and pencils - but the atmosphere remains much the same.

**_Shadowrayne_****_:_** *groans and bangs her head on the desk* If I wanted to go to school I'd have stayed on Earth!

**_Spectral Sereda_**: And I'm sure I'm not supposed to be here!

**_Seedydeedee_****_:_** *wanders in wearing full university Don robes and a mortarboard*

**_BLWWFEs_****_:_** *snigger uncontrollably* 

**_AmuseMe_****_:_** Hey, Deedee, you forgot the Darth Vader helmet!

**_Seedydeedee_****_: _***scowls and sits at the front of the class* 

Right. It has come to my attention that we are in need of a refresher course on Survival.  We'll be studying several modules this semester, which include: 'How to recognise the bad guy through rose-tinted specs', 'Sadistic does not equal sane', and 'Anyone with less than four fingers is your enemy'…

**_Dragonseer_****_:_** That's digital discrimination!

**_Vladimir_****_'s Angel_**: But what about spods?

**_AmuseMe_**: And amputees!

**_MikotoZoku_****_:_** And animals?

**_Vladimir_****_'s Angel_**: And spods!

**_Seedydeedee_****_: _**It's safer if you just think of them ALL as your enemies. *cuts across the next comment* Including spods!

Let's take a recent case in point, shall we.  Take a look at this picture: *puts up an action scene from her recent fanfic where Althea is just about to lead a bunch of villagers up a drainpipe to kill Turel*

Lessons?  When the enemy asks you to take the town drunks and storm the evil overlord's castle – ask him what HE's getting out of it.

**_Genesis Idiocy:  _***makes a loud 'Ahhhhh' of understanding and scribbles a note in her exercise book***__**

****

**_Seedydeedee_****_:_** *puts up another picture from a little later on in her story, where the humans are defeated and 'Farsight' is revealed in his true colours (green)*

See?  Now she's going to die horribly.  Lessons?  Just because he's pretty, doesn't mean he's not intending to pull out your intestines and use them for bungee-jumping.

****

**_Healer Ariel: _**OH!  I see.  So the pretty ones are evil?

****

**_Seedydeedee_****_: _**Yes.**__**

****

**_Silmuen_****_: _**Sometimes the evil ones are ugly.**__**

****

**_Seedydeedee_**: Don't confuse the issue…**__**

****

**_Syvia_****_: _**And the good ones are pretty.

****

**_Seedydeedee_****_:_** That's not the point…

****

**_Vladimir_****_'s Angel: _***giggles*****And some are good, bad **and** ugly!

**_Seedydeedee_**: *rubs temples* Yes, but my point is…

Upstairs, the wolf's head howls.

**_MikotoTribal_**: Doorbell!  There's somebody at the door! *leaps to her feet and races up the stairs*

**_Seedydeedee_**: *shouts after her* When you open the door, remember what I just said!

**_Mikototribal_****_:_** Er… if it's the good the bad and the ugly, tell them to go bungee-jumping?

**_Seedydeedee_**: *takes off mortarboard* I don't know why I bother…

**_Spectral Sereda_**: Nor me – we're obviously past saving!

**_MikotoTribal_**: *shouts from upstairs* Did you say if they were pretty to let them in or not?

**_Various BLWWFEs: _**Shout random pieces of advice, which include' yes',' no' and 'five o'clock'. 

****

**_Seedydeedee_**: *thinks hard and shushes the class* Er…not!

**_MikotoTribal_****_: _**Oops…

To be continued…

*

Apologies to anyone in this fic who was misrepresented, underrepresented, vilified, mollified, or otherwise made an ass of.  Pizza will be sent in reparation.  

Star Trek Dictionaires of Technobabble are available from Vladimir's Angel.


End file.
